A Round of Goff
Josh Goff

Still shaken from seeing John Salley in the short shorts jacking up 3s at All-Star Saturday festivities, I’m struggling to put together cohesive thoughts.

Instead, you get some random musings.

There’s one owner in professional sports I’d like to take the pimp hand to - Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks.

If it wasn’t bad enough that he overpaid by $70 million for Alex Rodriguez, he one-ups himself by trading A-Rod to - of all teams - the Yankees.

Excellent. The Yanks now have A-Rod, Jeter, Giambi, Sheffield, Bernie Williams, Kenny Lofton and Hideki Matsui - and the payroll of the NL Central.

Being a Cubs fan is tough, but I’m not trading places with any Red Sox fans.

Yankee fans, enjoy watching Kevin Brown’s elbow fall apart in spring training.

• Nona and Marvin Gaye came together to do easily the worst rendition of the national anthem of all time before the dunk contest Saturday night.

That is until Sunday night when Christina Aguilera mangled it even further.

It is not an R&B song.

It already has music; you can’t just throw some random beats out there and put the same lyrics over it.

Nor can you just have a guy sitting there beating on the drums whenever he feels while you repeat some of the words two and three times.

The national anthem does not need a remix. I don’t want to hear DJ Clue, DJ Kay Slay or DJ Jazzy Jeff screaming over the national anthem, telling me it’s an exclusive, how new it is or what label it’s signed with.

• I know the All-Star game doesn’t count, but could somebody at least have pretended to be happy to be there?

During the player intros, most of them came out looking depressed and going through the motions.

Even the PA guy had mailed it in. The only guy who seemed truly happy was Kevin Garnett, the guy I’d build a franchise around.

• As for the dunk contest, it’s still pretty stale but at least Jason Richardson brought it with the off-the-glass, between-the-legs dunk.

The speed with which he zipped the ball around was amazing.

Chris Andersen also got shafted, only getting a 42 on his 180°-reverse two-hand windmill. The ending was also dull, with a bunch of misses determining the champion.

They need to find a way to change the format and the scoring. No way all those dunks were deserving of 9s.

At least Fred Jones of Malvern, Ark. won the thing.

• The 3-point shootout was actually somewhat exciting, with Peja Stojackovic needing to sink the final money ball to tie up Voshon Lenard. The shot hit the rim, then the glass, then skirted off, and the two-time defending champ was dethroned. I actually came out of the recliner when that last shot went up. Of course, I was on my way to the bathroom, but still ... Anyhow, I’d like to see a twist added to it next year. Instead of having good shooters, have a contest featuring the likes of Shaq, Yao, Shawn Bradley, Nazr Mohammed and DeSagana Diop. Every shot would be important in that one.

• I want to know why, in the skills competition, the players are not required to show off their ability to take three steps when going in for the layup.

• The officials at the UCA-Henderson State men’s game last Thursday night weren’t the best I’ve seen. You know it’s not a good sign when one of them is named Charlie Brown. It’s also probably not a good sign when they don’t know the calls. According to these guys, the signal for goaltending is what used to be the shot clock reset motion. Also, it’s evidently a charge when you get shoved and, in the ensuing stumble, you crash into somebody else. Any other infraction calls for a technical foul.

• I’m guessing the people in Henderson’s student section aren’t the Honors College kids. These geniuses worked hard all night and came up with chants of “Chappell sucks” and “just like football”. Chappell sucks about as much as his career winning percentage of .753 and all those championship banners he hung in “The Dook”. And the Reddies made an unsuccessful trip to the Farris Center earlier in the season, lest anyone forgets. Henderson may have won the head-to-head battle on the gridiron, but the Bears had a better record. Sounds like a draw to me.

• Why do cops try to act all friendly when they’re giving you a $125 speeding ticket? Even if the town’s name is Friendship, I’m not your friend, and you obviously aren’t mine; otherwise you’d be letting me go with a warning. Is it really necessary to patronize me? Do you really have to repeatedly “hug up on the truck” when a car drives by? Also, let it be known that I do not need some sort of half-hearted guilt trip. When you ask “how would you feel if you killed both you and him, and I had to call his parents and let them know?” Well chief, if I’m dead, I’m not really feeling much of anything, now am I? And how am I going to kill anybody when I’m driving along just fine, between the lines, with no traffic around? Just because your speed limit is ridiculously low and nothing more than a speed trap doesn’t mean I’m endangering anybody. No, my toboggan is not a gun case. And yes, I’m bitter.

• Lastly, an open letter to Greg Maddux:

Greg, come home. Please. Imagine the legacy you would leave if you picked up your 300th win where it all started, in Cubbie blue. Maybe you’re not at your prime, but you’d still be the best four in baseball. Prior, Wood, Zambrano and you in the rotation would be virtually unstoppable in the playoffs. Of course, you’d have to overcome Steve Bartman and Alex Gonzales, but still. So come back, finish where you started, and help lead the Cubs to their first title in 96 years. By bringing you back, the Cubs not only bring in a quality pitcher but also right a wrong from years ago when they let you walk. It’s the perfect way to break the curse. You’ll be adored, revered and most importantly — you’ll get paid. See you in Mesa.